I Am Not Afraid

I have spent too many days of my life saying no and things like I can't, I won't and I have  never....In doing this,  I have missed out on so many things that would have enriched my life and made me whole. I was afraid to try so many things because of my fears and insecurities. Yes...a few short years ago...and for many years before that,  things were much more difficult. I was stumbling through life with "a dead body" on my back.There was a point where I weighed 528 pounds.  Everything I did was difficult. To walk to my car was a chore. Day by day, I watched as my world became smaller and smaller as I became bigger and bigger. I really felt the world closing in on me as I slowly began to accept the fact that I probably wouldn't be around long enough to grow old. Even the few things that gave me hope in my life slipped away...and I stood by and let them go. I did not feel like I deserved  to be happy and worked hard at making myself and those around me miserable. I built a wall and pushed away those I loved and shut out a couple of beautiful souls, either of which  I could have built a real life with. Instead I found myself in a "relationship" with food and alcohol...neither of which had any love for me.

I woke up one day at 4 in the afternoon...and it all  hit me. I laid there and cried...until not a single teardrop was left. That was the day I decided to take my life back.  January 16, 2011, My NEW LIFE BEGAN. I spent the rest of that  year learning discipline and  restraint. I began this incessant journey by giving up and letting go (something I had already proven myself to be quite good at) only this time I let go of the things that were stealing my life.

Today, Almost  three  years,  later I find myself at a different place. A place of Hope and promise. Every single day I feel stronger...healthier...and more ALIVE. I have lost over 200 pounds and have been alcohol free. Every pound I continue to shed gives me greater freedom....the freedom to stop saying no and instead scream out yes...Yes...YES!. Every day I have promised myself to try something new, go somewhere I have never gone and say yes to something I would not have even "been able" to do just one short year ago. Deciding to join the Creative writing program is one of those things.

I am not going to sit and watch life pass me by....sitting in a chair with a 25 year old spirit  imprisoned inside of an  80 year old body. I intend to start Living my BUCKET LIST NOW.... before I am ready to kick  the bucket. There are regrets I have for things I did or DID NOT do in my past.  I have realized that it is not to late to make things right. I know what I want and where I am going. I am not afraid anymore